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Page history last edited by Sea Foam 5 years, 8 months ago

This is a page for posterity, for things I wrote that are too shitty to share on the main page.


Kikimora vs. Roomba

Your maid got huffy at you last time you unleashed the roombas. You were just having a good time but she was legitimately pissed. You apologized, but she was still kinda pouty when she saw you. What the hell? She was just a maid, right? There's only one thing left to do.

You make a quick trip to the hardware store. Then the electronics store, then one more trip to the hardware store because a man can never have enough duct tape. All through the night sounds that would make Frankenstein blush can be heard from your last maid-free bastion: your garage workshop.

Feigning illness that's actually exhaustion this time you sit in bed and prepare to watch the carnage on the video system you set up around the house. As per usual, after checking on you the kikimora heads downstairs to find her cleaning supplies. For whatever reason she never leaves her favorite broom, but there's neat collection of materials just next to the basement door. Usually. You savor her panic as she searches the area where here weapons against filth normally lie in wait. Then you activate stage two.


Electric motors whir to life. Not the whisper quiet motor of two roombas, not today, but several monstrous electric motors. Your neighbors were going to be pissed that their Priuses were missing the batteries. Fucking hippies. Anyway, your reinforced monstrosities roar to life. Layers of steel encase the lowly roombas with several Dysons added on to boot for extra reach and suction that never loses power (TM). Several aluminum "blades" meant to lift furniture so the extended vacuum nozzles can reach underneath also adorn the sides. There's also a shampooer buiklt into each, just for the hell of it. It's a perfect cleaning machine. With even one of those in every house no one would need to vacuum again ever, and you have two.

The video resolution is poor, but even with the grainy picture you make out the expression of pure horror on her face as the things stream into the living room, leaving the carpet as clean as the day you bought it in their wake. One of them starts cleaning the path she walked in, removing even the indentations of her feet on the carpet. The bold one chases her in flustered circles until it makes one fatal mistake: it bumps into her, because Roombas are goddamn stupid. The kikimora reaches for her broom handle.

There's a flash of something. You can't quite make out what, but as soon as the maid's arm ceases to be a blur you see a glimmering sword in her hand. A katana. Roberta had a fucking katana in the handle of her broom. It wasn't even curved! A diagonal slice of Killroomba 2 slides off sideways. With the main Roomba trapped amid what is now a steel coffin since the secondary driving motors were just cleaved in two your maid walks over and calmly pierces right through the center of the contraption, right where the autonomous vacuum at heart lies. You will be missed, Killroomba 2.


You didn't give the killroombas any additional intelligence, but somehow KR 1 knew what was coming, and it was afraid. The vacuums never cleaned the same area twice, but KR1 cleaned straight back the way it came, as if running from the feathered terror approaching it. But it was slow, so slow. Roberta barely needed to walk full speed to catch up to it.

What happened next was like a scene from Monty Python. One blade, then two. Three, four. The killroomba runs. One freakishly expensive Dyson is sliced in twain, then the second, then the last. The roomba runs. With nothing more than the driving motors and useless armor encasing it the machine is faster now, but not fast enough. One thrust takes out the first auxillary motor. Roberta merely holds her blade in place and lets the Killroomba spin into her waiting sword.

Tanks. When they catch flame the crews are often trapped within, burned alive in a steel coffin. I had turned that roomba into a tank, and it was burning. SCHLING SCHLING SCHLING. Perhaps you could call it an act of mercy. Three surgical cuts from that freakish sword and the steel encasing what remained of Killroomba 1 fell away. The little machine that couldn't sprang from its prison, cleaning along that already sterile path, one lone circle of silicon and plastic fleeing a force of nature.

Roberta gingerly picked it up, spinning it in her hands like a cat examining a dying mouse. With a little "eh!" that might've cute in other circumstances she snapped the robot in two over her knee. The maid nodded, then delicately stepped over the wreckage she'd made towards the button camera you'd installed in a vase on top of the entertainment center. Using the remains of Killroomba one she lifted the container down until her face filled your screen.

"Master? Are you feeling more energetic now?" You gulp as you notice the vein throbbing on her forehead. "I think it's time for me to clean the garage now."

God save us all.

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